[20 Mar 2005|10:43pm] ______nirveli ______nirveli ______nirveli new journal. just because im bored with the old. post comment

[22 Feb 2005|12:36pm] [ mood | nostalgic coated clouds ] [ music | laughter touched with cheap expresso ] this morning i while sitting in a starbucks around the corner from my home, i found the peace that had made its way to me late last night and cemented as i read and ate my breakfast of cheap ramen noodles on the porch feeling the crisp cold morning air and watching my breath form, was suddenly interupted. i had looked up from my studies of Confuscius after the taunt of clear morning light in the corner of my eyes was too much and gazed out the window, past the concrete parking lot and at the view of Ralphs' sign and false brick facade. Its moments like this that make me yearn for the cool, misty comfort of my favourite coffee shop with its soft, unchanging view of the ocean, fog, and rock. All my worries at ease with the gently sounds of plates and silverware making contact, the buzz of conversation, and the blues music that is softly playing in the background. But what I really love is the shrieking call of the gulls and the crashing of turf making their way past the cliffs, cars and cafe noise, through thick walls and the thin separation of glass. Im yearing for that taste of good, flavorful coffee, so different then the corporate charcoal I am forced to drink here. But its either drink the burnt roast, or pay exorbitant prices for mediocre coffee. The difference isnt enough to inspire me into action. I wonder what the weather is like up there today. Rainy? Foggy? Overcast? Clear, crisp, cold? The greatest thing is it doesnt matter. Here is takes a spectacular morning, or a comfortable rainy day to make the days sweet. Up there is could be warm enough to swim and it wouldnt need improvement. I think of those five acres my parents have. Quiet. Beautiful. Enshrouded my trees, mist and moss. Their new house, clean, empty, unfinnished, unpainted. Its easy to imagine them up there. My dad making a point of getting up early, feeding the howling cats and enjoying a very large pot of coffe on the porch. Just sitting, and listening. His love for Mendocino is unequalled. I have never known a person to love a place with such an entirety. With each passing day, I can feel his restlessness, made excitable and contagious by the nearness of his desire and dream. Orangevale is almost pretty this time of year. The crisp morning light give the ugly, characterless structures life. I am enjoying all of this untill i rembember the the unrelenting heat of the summer. Last nights storm clouds are breaking. They broke the oppresive blue sky and stark landscape. Peace is such a rarity. Especially these days. That void is filled with loud voices on the radio, inane, unrelenting inane mind dribble on the tv, and the mechanized music of the video games. I feel lonely, turn on the tv. Im bored, lets play the latest video game. I feel as thought somebody in beating he inside of my skull with a hammer. Its ok, take 3 aspirin and a shot of vodka. Then turn the tv up, I cant hear it over the noise of the video games and my sons insidious rap music. The media bogs down our minds and our hearts with images of unnattanable beauty and lifestyles. Images the vast majority of us will never have, and dont realize that none of it is worthwhile. For what its worth, my poor unformed daughter, I spared you from it. So far. I will not have a child without at least being armed with some of the skills needed to teach them to avoid that path. To value quality of life over how many shoes you own and whether or not that car you are driving is the largest SUV available, never mind the closest thing to a wild terrain and mountains is a small grass filled park and a 10 story building.

[14 Feb 2005|11:01am] ( You want the true Valentine's Day? Forget roses and candy, sweetheart, and kneel before the Lupercalia. Hot pagan sex and lustful gods and ancient wolf goddesses and potential marriage and more sex and more than a little crazed giddy divine animal blood sacrifice. ) 3 comments|post comment

[06 Jan 2005|08:50pm] 1 comment|post comment

[23 Dec 2004|12:59am] Tell me something. 8 comments|post comment

[23 Dec 2004|12:58am] A word, if you please. 2 comments|post comment

[17 Dec 2004|10:54am] [ mood | irritated ] I think that maybe I should clarify my below post. first off, I do not desire anyone's pity. So no to be a rude human in this post, but save your catch phrases for someone else. Second of all, Seker had it right. People today are so caught up in such minor details. I need a date to prom. My Mom and Dad won't let me go to this party. My boyfriend is being mean to me. I personally don't care if anyone feels differently then me about this, but there is so much more to life. and people spend most of their time pissing it away. Partly a reason why I'm never online anymore. And no, Bryce, I am not attacking anyone. That post was merely my way of getting out my frustration that people are so caught up in the the shallow things that they believe define them, that they hardly realize their life is flying by. While I do believe in reincarnation, it doesn't mean that we should squander our lifetimes away in meaningless babble. Oh yea Bryce, and your last comment in the last post? I didn't get any of it from livejournal posts. i through in the livejournal comment because the behavior reminded me of livejournal drama. So you all can get off your high horse now, and save your bitching about my posts for somewhere else. Becuase I don't care. 1 comment|post comment

[14 Dec 2004|03:49pm] do you really want to know what gets to me? stupid immature boys, expecially ones from livejournal, who all they do is complain and moan that no girls like them. and that their lives suck because they dont have a girlfriend. and they are just oh so miserable becuase there is no female in their life to kiss and touch. and expecially, expecially when you ask them how they are today, and they tell you "still single" guess what all you miserably lonely boys and girls out there. one of my friends hung herself last wednesday. thats right. she hung herself in her room. she was 16. thats 2 years younger then me. thats the age of my best friends little sister. thats the age of my boyfriends little sister, who happened to be her best friend since second grade. thats how old you are when you are a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. thats the amount of hours ive spent this past week in a complete fucking daze. thats how long it took chris' little sister to become a somwhat functioning human again. and thats the amount of years it will take MINIMUM for most of us to start to get past it. how are those nmbers looking for you? here are a few more. 3. 3 seconds is what it took for krystal to run into her car, drive to Tiffany's house, fight of 3 cops who tried to stop her. 5 minutes is what it took her and Chris to drive to Mercy San Juan, and half a lifetime flew by when they told her she didnt make it. 4. 4 days is how long Krystal stayed in Tiffany's room, sleeping in her bed. and 8 minutes is how long it took me to type this, and to be completly unable to stop the tears. becuase a 16 year old girl took her life last week. therapy wont bring her back, nor will a scholarship, boyfriend, or date to Junior Prom. so dont you bitch to me about your problems, your immature high school im not popular, im single, and no one likes me problems. you will have no sympathy from me. 8 comments|post comment

[18 Jun 2004|11:37pm] What is the final destination of hatred. when you look your enemy in the eyes and see yourself.

[31 May 2004|07:19pm] ( valentines day ) post comment

[29 May 2004|09:05pm] thanks for the wasted time thanks for making me cheap. 2 comments|post comment

[27 Jan 2004|10:49pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Metric ] PS. Help yourself to the coffee, tea and biscuits.

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